


A Letter to Lost Causes

by blackwolfmajik



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-07
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-03-21 16:21:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3698939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackwolfmajik/pseuds/blackwolfmajik
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>DAI - A letter to the Commander brings up some uncomfortable memories.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **Dragon Age Inquisition – A Letter to Lost Causes (Cullen, F!Mage Warden)**  
>  Rated: E for Everyone!
> 
> Soundtrack: Don't have one for this, the idea crawled out on its own...
> 
>  
> 
> _**AN: Insert standard disclaimer here – I own nada!_
> 
>  
> 
> My Amell F!Mage has always been the Dragon Age character closest to my heart, so I actually squee'd when my Inquisitor asked Cullen about leaving previous loves behind and he said: "Not in Kirkwall."
> 
> Please review!

**A Letter to Lost Causes**

* * *

The letter was tucked in with the rest of his reports, looking as innocent as a sleeping rose.

He managed to ignore it for nearly a week; for once thankful that there was always some disaster or emergency that needed far more urgent attention.

The letter waited patiently.

He hated the sight of it and questioned daily why he hadn't simply burned the wretched thing. It would surfacing now and then as he shoved paperwork across his desk, raking his attention like a thorn.

_Coward, it's just a bloody letter not an abomination._

Hopefully…

With the Inquisitor away on a mission and Skyhold in (reasonably) perfect order, Cullen finally ran out of excuses.

The scroll seemed heavy in his hand, thick vellum stained and creased from its journey. He wondered how far it had traveled to get to him.

To now.

Cullen traced his finger over the unique sigil stamped deeply into the chipped grey wax: a griffin and mabari hound holding a mage's staff between them. The flickering torches made the creatures seem like they were alive.

Fighting.

"Josephine told me about the letter," Leliana's voice was soft, apologetic.

Startled, the former Templar grimaced and tossed the scroll aside. He dragged his attention back to the scout report he had been trying to read for hours. "What of it?"

"Did you read it?"

"No."

"No?" The Spymaster stepped away from where she had been leaning against the door frame. "Were you not curious to know what she said?"

The answer was a frustrated sigh.

"And yet you did not open it?"

"Why do you care?"

Her mouth tilted in a teasing smirk. "Because: I am a champion of lost causes and forbidden love."

"Forbidden lo—I don't—!" he sputtered.

"I was there at the Circle Tower, I _remember_."

Cullen's shoulders sank as the blood drained from his dismayed expression. It was several moments before he trusted himself to speak; his voice sounded hollow: "That was a long time ago."

"Not so long—"

"I am not that man anymore." Cullen shoved himself to his feet, agitation making him unable to sit still.

"None of us are the people we were then. We are older and wiser, yes?"

"Older, but perhaps not wiser, I think. Here we are again at the edge of ruin."

"Yes," Leliana sobered. "But we are not here alone, together we can stand stronger. Will you not give her a chance-"

"Why do you think this means anything at all?" He snatched the scroll up and brandished it like a weapon. "For all we know, it could just be a list of troop movements, dragon sightings—or—or even a requisition for _carrots_."

"If you believed that, you would have already read it."

Cullen growled, barely resisting the urge to crush the vile letter in his fist. "What would you have me do? Write her back and say I still dream of her?"

"Do you?"

"Of course I do! _And of demons with her face!_ "

The bard winced. "Not a reply I would suggest."

"Besides, the Inquis—"

"-Would understand. The world is ending, yes? We could die tomorrow, it should not be with any regrets."

"Regrets?" the word tasted bitter on his tongue, like burnt lyrium and blackened corpses. He shook his head roughly to clear the memory. "Enough! I don't wish to discuss this further."

"Foolish," Leliana's blue eyes narrowed in the firelight. "You did not see her afterward, after the tower."

_"Lel—"_

"She mourned. They were her friends, her family. She mourned _you_."

Cullen stared, his mouth dry and suddenly empty of the protests he had been collecting. Silence seeped in with the shadows, making the room feel darker despite the cheerful blaze of the fire.

"Everyone congratulated her on a job well done, only she looked at it as a failure. She regretted that she could not do more, that she had not been there sooner."Leliana rubbed her arms as if she were cold. "Grey Wardens all get terrible dreams and I never knew what filled hers before the Tower. But after…" The bard's expression looked pained and she turned away so that he would not see it. "She would wake up screaming your name. Every night you died and she wept that she could not save you."

Cullen felt the prickling of guilt push the last of the resentment from his bones. "I didn't know. I…the things I said—yelled at her in those last moments. I was so angry for so long, I even fled to Kirkwall to get away from…anything that reminded me of her."

He looked at the heavy parchment once more; the Hero of Ferelden's seal picked out in golden firelight beside the flowing script of his name.

"What if she…"

Leliana's smile was bittersweet. "If you do not try, then you will never know."


	2. Arrival

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Dragon Age: Inquisition**
> 
> **Soundtrack Suggestion:** Battle Star Galactica Soundtrack - "Kat's Sacrifice"
> 
> **AN:** So, yeah...I hadn't really planned on continuing this one, but people seemed to like it (well, so far - not sure what you all will think of this chapter).

 

* * *

Josephine was a little surprised by Saris Amell.

Tales of the woman's exploits stretched far and wide, making the Hero of Ferelden practically a creature of legend. Having expected someone more…grand, Josephine's first thought was the petite mage looked like a child playing dress-up.

That impression lasted less than two minutes. After that, Josephine was convinced that Amell's eyes were grey from the silverite in her veins.

The Warden was respectful, but also had a practiced mask so neutral that Josephine would never have bet against her in Wicked Grace.

_She would have done well in the Orlesian court, it is unfortunate she didn't arrived before the mess at The Winter Palace..._

The only imperfection the ambassador noticed was a slight hitch in the Warden's step when she saw Commander Cullen.

Turning her attention to observe the others in the room, Josephine took note of how they were reacting to the Warden leader.

Morrigan, who had been as tenacious as a leech to attend every council session, was conspicuously absent. In fact, it seemed that the moment it was known Commander Amell would be arriving at Skyhold, the apostate and her son had practically vanished. The Hero's reaction to hearing that Morrigan had been in the castle was equally strange... Josephine made a mental note to ask Leliana about it later.

Speaking of the former bard...

The solemn Spymaster practically gushed over the Hero, making everyone at the war council speechless with surprise. Despite the many midnight stories Josephine remembered about the red head's adventures during the Fifth Blight, to actually _see_ her happiness at being reunited with an old friend was heart-warming.

Leliana even managed to get the Warden to smile.

Commander Cullen, on the other hand, looked pale and nervous.

_He looks like he is trying to balance a plate on his head while reciting the Chant of Light._

It was clear to anyone with eyes that the Commanders had met before, but they went along with Trevelyan's formal introduction without comment. His attention would track to Amell and then skitter away as if she was too bright to look at.

_Old flames, perhaps? A bad breakup?_

Josephine remembered that a letter had arrived for Cullen from the Hero a few months earlier. At the time, she had assumed it was simply Warden business, but Leliana had become cagey when she learned of it. Now the ambassador wondered...

The Inquisitor seemed a bit on edge as well, her normally proud stance was tight with unease. Josephine wasn't sure if it was because of the Hero's authoritarian air or the secretive glances Trevelyan kept trying _not_ to send Cullen's direction.

_Too many captains on the ship it seemed…_

Amell's Warden companions said little, content to let her speak for them unless directly addressed. Wyx was older, his grizzled beard something Blackwall would have been proud of. The one called Nate was badly scarred, but the bow slung across his back looked impeccably maintained.

Both men were clearly veterans and had an air of alertness that refused to fade even though they stood among allies. In many regions, Amell was still considered an apostate, even with her Heroic status and relative immunity as a Warden. Seeing the watchful glares of her companions, Josephine had no doubt that anyone seeking to cause trouble for the mage would pay dearly for it.

Trevelyan's raised voice drew Josephine out of her musing reverie.

"You weren't here, I did the best I could!"

The Warden kept calm, refusing to take the bait. "And that gave you the right to order my men to their deaths?"

"I am fighting a monster, a _darkspawn_ , that Wardens let escape from their prison. I needed an army and the Wardens needed redemption."

"You sent them to die in a battle you knew they couldn't win, without any preparation or defense."

"Ladies, please—" Leliana tried to speak reasonably but Trevelyan was angry and spoiling for a fight.

"You say that like I gave them no choice in the matter. There were those who wanted me to put them all to the sword for their betrayal. I gave the Wardens a chance for their deaths to mean something."

"'Mean something'?"

"Is it not part of your own creed? 'In death, sacrifice—'"

The Wardens tensed. Cullen looked panicky as Amell speared the Inquisitor with a glare that could have frozen a volcano. "Do not quote the Warden oath to me," her voice was dangerously quiet. "You have no idea what sacrifices we make."

"I-"

"I have spent _months_ trying to keep every Warden I met from falling into Corypheous' hands. I shouted, I yelled, I pleaded - but they still streamed past me to their deaths. For every man I saved, I lost a _hundred_."

Trevelyan looked abashed as the room fell silent.

"There's more." Shoulders bowed with the weight of loss, Saris leaned heavily on the table. "Before I arrived here, I received a message that the First Warden himself succumbed, despite all of my efforts."

"He is dead?" Leliana asked, concern wrinkling her brow. "Who will be First Warden now?"

"Nearly all of the Senior Wardens are gone. There will be a vote among the survivors, but Alistair is _King_. He can't be in Weisshaupt and Denerim at the same time." Amell sighed from the bottom of her soul. "It seems likely that I will be nominated for the position."

"I'm sorry for your loss," Cullen said quietly.

Amell glanced at him and nodded in acknowledgement, her polite mask slipping firmly back into place.

"Nearly all of the Wardens we met were overcome by Corypheus' influence. Saying something about him _'calling'_ to them," Trevelyan said with thinly veiled suspicion. "What about you? Are you immune to it?"

"Not immune, just resistant for the same reason Alistair is. We have faced such horrors before and know how to brace against it."

"What of that scabby dragon of his? Wardens were saying it was another Archdaemon."

"Corypheous' pet is convincing enough for most, but I put a sword through the head of an Archdaemon to end the Fifth Blight. I would know a fake when I saw one. None of the other Wardens here are old enough to have faced anything like it, so I don't believe they could tell the difference."

"How many Wardens are left?"

Wyx answered: "With the forces at Adamant gone and the others we lost to the...well...two score, perhaps less, remain south of the Anderfels. The Wardens in Orlais were hit hardest."

"The Order is in danger of extinction. We have nothing but skeletons guarding the entrances to the Deep Roads. If Corypheus' calls forth a real Blight now…" Amell's expression was grim. "It will be the last time we ever have to worry about it, because there won't be enough Wardens to keep Darkspawn from sweeping over Thedas."

"Maker..." someone whispered.

"This is where I might be able to provide some good news."

"Oh?"

Amell glanced at the battle map sprawled across the table and motioned to the various markers. "You're building an army for the final push against Corypheous. Though the Wardens have had...setbacks…my name still carries some weight in Ferelden. I can try to bring allies from Orzammar and Denerim, perhaps even a few of the Daelish clans."

"I'm...not very popular with the Ferelden King," Trevelyan admitted.

"I heard some things about the business in Redcliff, but not the details. Arl Teagan is the King Alistair's favorite uncle and a personal friend of mine."

"You appear to be friends with nearly everyone," the Inquisitor ignored Leliana's scathing glare. "I settled my accounts with the Arl, so everything is peachy. I don't think Fiona would have made such a deal with Tevinter if she hadn't been desperate."

"Yes," mention of the Grand Enchanter's name darkened Amell's expression further. "I heard that you put _her_ to good use."

Distrustful of the Hero's tone, Trevelyan answered carefully: "Well, she's only been here a short time, but she has been a great help in organizing the rebel apostates. The mages, the Tranquil, and even that Tevinter guy, they all seem to be giving their best efforts to help."

"What 'Tevinter guy'?"

"The one that struck the deal with Fiona. Magister Alexious. The guy was crazy, tearing up time like it was parchment just to help his kid. His son was the one to help us take his father down. Gratitude, right? There's another Tevinter mage that came along: Dorian. He's a bit flaky sometimes, but he's all right."

The Hero quirked a coal colored eyebrow. "What do you mean when you say 'tearing up time'?"

Trevelyan squirmed. "Look, I'm not good with mage stuff, but yeah, it was exactly that. Alexious said his son was infected with the Blight, or something, and the magister kept stretching time out to...well...have more _time_ to look for the cure."

Amell shot a weighted glance at her men who both gave sharp nods in reply.

"Is there a problem?" Josephine asked.

"It's Warden business."

"You're going to play that card now?" Trevelyan scoffed as she pointed out the window to the lurid green sky. "The world is ending! If Corypheous has his way, nobody will have any business ever again!"

Amell scowled. "The Wardens have been looking for a cure for the Blight for centuries. I believe that the former Grand Enchanter is the key. I've been tracking her for years nut, until now, she has proven to be quite adept at hiding. I can't say anything more than that."

"I talked to Fiona, she said that the Wardens questioned her already on…well, whatever it was that made her different from the rest of you. She said that nothing came of it, then things got nasty and she left before it could get worse."

"That was over thirty years ago, our...understanding...has evolved since then."

Trevelyan's brow set in a stubborn line. "I will let you talk to her, but I'm not going to force Fiona to open a vein for you if she doesn't wish it."

"She is a Warden deserter," Amell's glare was like granite. "You could protest me taking her back to Weisshaupt, but the law is clear."

Before Tevelyan could start yelling again, Josephine stepped in. "Surely there is no need for that! You can speak with the Grand Enchanter here, can you not?"

"Circumstances being as they are," Amell said with a deliberate glance out the window. "If Fiona is cooperative, then yes: it would be safer to stay at Skyhold. Also, if this Magister of yours is not half as insane as you say, it may be that the three of us together can be more successful than we would be on our own. Is _that_ acceptable, Inquisitor?"

Trevelyan was seething, but nodded.

"Good. My men and I have had a long journey and I am sure you have much more to discuss without us here. Unless there is anything further, we will retire for the evening."

Wyx shifted in his armor.

"After we make a stop at the kitchens," she amended dryly.

"Fine. We'll talk more tomorrow. The guard outside will show you to your rooms."

"We will speak later, yes?" Leliana smiled as Amell turned to leave. "We have much to catch up on!"

The warden commander nodded, carefully avoiding Cullen's glance as she exited with her men.

"What in the Void was all that about?" Trevelyan snarled moments later. "I don't care if she's the Hero of bloody Ferelden or fuckin' _Andraste_ herself. She can't just walk in here and order me to hand people over to Maker knows what kind of…of _experimentation_ she has planned!"

"I don't think that was her intent," Cullen said.

"And _you_ ," Trevelyan's tone was acidic enough to draw his full attention away from the closed door. "Were you even _listening_ to her? Or were you too busy staring?"

"Inquisitor!"

Cullen's cheeks flamed, but his temper quickly overtook the embarrassment. "What are you suggesting?"

"That I don't think you're the most _objective_ judge of what the Warden's intentions are!"

"Perhaps not, but I have known her far longer than anyone else in this room."

The Inquisitor balked at the new information but recovered quickly: "If that's so, were you just going to let her walk all over us for old times' sake?"

"Enough! This bickering is pointless," snapped Leliana, her demeanor hardening into more familiar lines. "Commander Amell seeks the same thing we do and is offering to help. We cannot afford to be divided or Corypheous will destroy all."

Trevelyan continued to scowl, but some of the angry flush faded from her cheeks. "Fine."

Cullen nodded grudgingly, still stung by the earlier accusation.

"Well, since she has brought up the subject…do you think she's right? Would curing this Blight thing work?"

"Varric's contact said that the red lyrium acted like it was alive, like it was infected. If the Wardens are suffering from the same malady and it is fueling Corpyheous's power…then curing the Blight could solve many problems at once."

"Blights have been going on for thousands of years, do you really think we could find a cure for it so quickly?"

"As she said, there are three experts on the subject right here. If we could not do it, then it may be too late to matter, yes?"

"Sounds great," Trevelyan clapped her hands together. "So we just need to cure a plague that was started by mythical creatures thousands of years ago, defeat a corrupted old-god-pretender and close a gigantic hole in the sky. Simple."

The councilors traded glances.

_Simple._

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **AN:** Whew! been a while since I did a Dragon Age story and this one has been sitting on my computer just short of forever!
> 
> Yes, Trev and Amell are a little bitchy, but they're under a lot of stress. There are some territorial issues going on too, so I kinda don't blame them.
> 
> **_Reviews are the best!_** Let me know if you like it, you hate it, or just like ice cream and thinking of Cullen playing chess in his underwear!


	3. Confession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Dragon Age: Inquisition  
>  Soundtrack Suggestion:** _The Elder Scrolls - Skyrim Soundtrack - "Kyne's Peace"_  
>  **AN:** Woot! some Cullen time!

* * *

Sleep wasn't coming, that much was clear by the time third watch was called.

His courage failed him twice, but eventually Cullen found himself standing in front of her door. The soft knock went unanswered forever and he had nearly convinced himself to walk away when the latch turned and it was too late.

"Commander?"

As it had so many years earlier, his voice deserted him. Suddenly Cullen was eighteen again and staring at the apprentice who had haunted his dreams. "I…uh…"

"Is everything alright?" she asked, recovering from her surprise quickly. There were heavy shadows under her eyes and she looked about to fall over from exhaustion, but years of harsh experience had clearly trained Amell to be alert at a moment's notice.

"No-no, everything is…is fine." He was immediately sorry that he come, but not remorseful enough to just leave. "Did I wake you?"

"I don't sleep."

Cullen was baffled. "You don't?"

"Just nightmares," she whispered, pulling a blanket tighter around her shoulders.

"Oh." The haunted look in her eyes told him it was more than 'just' anything, but he had enough horrors of his own and decided not to press the matter.

"Are you here to give me a lecture on diplomacy then?"

"What? No…"

"Good. Leliana has already gone over in great detail how I could have better handled the meeting with the Inquisitor. I'm not interested in hearing more about it."

"Oh-no, I was…I couldn't sleep either. Perhaps, um, you would like a…a tour of Skyhold? I mean…I kn-know it's late, but…"

Amell stared at him a long moment before glancing back at her sleeping companions. She quietly shut the door and nodded for him to lead the way.

The Commander was not an uncommon sight at such a late hour, so the guards merely saluted as they continued their rounds along Skyhold's ramparts. The granite buttresses provided some shelter from the harsh wind, but did not interfere with the spectacular view of the moon over the mountains.

It was awkward at first, but they soon settled into step with each other. Cullen felt his nervousness fading as he recounted a brief history of the Inquisition and what they had accomplished since the rift had opened. Before long, his stutter melted away and he didn't even notice.

"You have built something special here, Commander," Amell said finally. "It seemed nearly every conversation I heard along the way had 'Inquisition' in it at least once."

He looked uncomfortable. "Please, you…you don't have to use my title. I get it all day, I thought…well, it's just us here, right? Could we just be ourselves?"

She looked at him closely, then nodded. "As you wish."

Cullen was unable to stop his grin and directed her attention to the regional banners so she wouldn't see it. "It has been a long struggle to get support, but Inquisitor Trevelyan has won allies from Rivain to the Western Approach. She is a formidable negotiator. With Josephine and Leliana together helping…well, there is little those three can't accomplish."

"I hear that your soldiers have done more than their fair share of the work."

"They are good men, I am proud to lead them." Cullen shrugged, self-conscious. "When the Templar Order fell apart, I wasn't sure what to do with myself. If Cassandra hadn't recruited me for the Inquisition…I could well have been like Sampson or Carroll: a shell driven mad by red lyrium."

"No," Saris said firmly. "You wouldn't have."

"You sound far more sure about that than I am."

"I'm sure because you were still alive when I found you in the Tower."

Cullen stopped walking, his legs wooden and treacherous. "The Tower?"

"You withstood terrors I could only imagine for Maker knows how long. You clung to your faith despite never knowing if you would ever be rescued." Saris held his gaze in a grip of iron. "You didn't give up then, why do you think you would give up now?"

"I...I'm not that man anymore," he whispered, remembering what he had told Leliana months earlier over the Warden's letter.

"No," Saris agreed. "I think you're _better_."

The absolute certainty in her voice left no room for argument and it shook Cullen to his core.

It was several long moments before he could speak: "I spent so many years, thinking that I had failed everyone. The Chantry, Ser Greagoir…even the mages in Kirkwall…I couldn't stop what was happening."

"Heroes are still just people, Cullen. We can't save everyone that needs us," Saris looked away, her voice thick with unspoken regrets. "All we can do is try."

He nodded silently.

"The Inquisitor seems like a strong woman."

"She is," Cullen seized the change in subject. "Though, I fear, this afternoon may not have given you the best impression."

"It was understandable. I would have been a bit annoyed myself if someone walked into Vigil's Keep and started telling me what to do in my own castle." Saris snorted. "Perhaps political ethics should have been added to the Circle's training regimen."

"I can only imagine what Knight Commander Greagoir would have said to _that_."

"Nothing that would have qualified as 'ethic', I'm sure."

The former Templar laughed, feeling the shadows of his past loosen their grip slightly. "We have had our disagreements in the past, but the Inquisitor defers to my judgment about the troops. She listens to Josephine about political matters and leaves other things to Leliana. It is a good arrangement."

"It seems to be working, I am more confident about our chances of defeating Corypheus."

"I feel the same."

Saris looked up at the climbing towers of Skyhold. "I'm glad that you have found such a place."

Unsure of what she meant, he kept silent.

"To be truthful, I was a bit surprised to see you here. You were the most dedicated Templar I had ever known. I guess I never imagined you would leave the Circle." The moonlight was fickle, but for an instant Cullen thought she looked embarrassed. "I had this image in my head that you wore your armor, even while you slept. And when you took it off…well, there would be a tattoo of Andraste's sword etched on your chest."

Cullen choked on a laugh and scratched the back of his head nervously. He tried to blot out the mental image she had provided before it set his own cheeks on fire.

When he spoke again, the humor had drained from his expression. "There was a time I thought I would die in that armor. But I saw what was happening, how the Templars lost their purpose. Knight Commander Meredith…I thought she was the answer. I thought that mages were all plotting against us."

"That mages were monsters."

Cullen felt guilty and dropped his gaze.

Her voice was soft, almost snatched away by the wind. "Some of the decisions I've made, some of the things I've seen…I spent a long time thinking perhaps I _was_ a monster."

"It changes you."

Saris nodded.

"I imagine that hard choices make us all monsters in a way."

Her brief smile was melancholy. "I supposed it does."

Their moment of kinship helped make the silence a bit easier as they walked on toward the southern point of the castle. Earthy smells from the stable below filled the crisp air but the barn was dark and quiet. Cullen wondered if Blackwall was able to sleep or if thoughts of the Wardens plagued him as well.

Sneaking a glance at his companion, Cullen was pleased that she seemed more relaxed than when she had first agreed to join him. It was the longest amount of time they had ever spent in each other's presence, even adding in all of the moments they just crossed paths in the Circle.

Thoughts of Kinloch Hold and Uldred's rebellion dampened his mood once more. It was several minutes before he worked up the courage to speak again.

"I wanted to tell you how sorry I was…about the things I said at the Tower. They were…I'm sorry, I hope that you can forgive me."

She paused, studying him thoughtfully. "I guess that would depend on which part you were apologizing for."

"What?"

"You said many things that night. Are you apologizing for all of them? Or just some?"

Cullen felt the flush creeping up his neck as he realized what she was asking. "I…uh…"

After a moment, she nodded and started walking again. "Apology accepted."

The former templar sighed as he felt a weight slide off of his heart, leaving him nearly giddy with relief. "Thank you. I've…I've wanted to tell you that for a long time now."

"It's all right," Saris said neutrally. "Think nothing more of it."

Cullen hesitated, sensing the change in her mood and the loss of something fragile. Spurred to action, he blocked her path.

"I regret…I never meant to tell you how I felt, not like _that_. Honestly, I never planned to…well, to tell _anyone_. I was ashamed, I was supposed to be—"

"You don't have to explain anything-"

"No, no please let me finish." He grasped her shoulders as she tried to move around him, forcing her to stop. "I was _supposed_ to be a Sword of the Maker, a weapon against the evil of magic. But when I met you, I couldn't imagine how you could do the things the Chantry said. I...I found myself thinking of you all the time, of how...how _amazing_ you were. You were smart, generous, compassionate..."

He squeezed his eyes shut. As before, once he started talking, the torrent of words seemed unwilling to stop. "I swore that everyone knew how I felt and being sent to your Harrowing was my punishment. But you _succeeded_ , just like I knew you would. You were _perfect_ and I was a fool in love…

"And then you were _gone._ " The memory still hurt: Saris, spattered with blood and looking terrified as the Grey Warden dragged her out of his life. "I didn't know if I would ever see you again.

"I locked that part of myself away, buried it so I would forget and remember that I was a Sword. But the demons…"

Saris trembled under his hands silently. He was afraid to look up and see the expression on her face.

"They found it. They took something beautiful, the brightest and best moments of my life and…and…"

_\- the stench of sizzling blood, sweat and death -_

_\- the sounds of torturous screams and pitiful begging that echoed through the halls -_

_\- lyrium withdrawal raking hot lines of agony across his mind as the wretches laughed and moaned his name in her voice -_

Cullen's eyes popped open as Saris made a soft noise.

The mask of the Hero had slipped, giving a faint glimpse of the girl he remembered underneath. Tears shone in her eyes and he watched one slide down her cheek, leaving a silvery track in the moonlight.

"Oh, no, please don't—Saris, I never meant to—" He reached out to brush the tear away and winced. "Sweet Andraste! You're _freezing_!" Cullen grabbed her hands and blew warm air over them. "I should have let you stay in your room instead of disturbing you at this hour. My office is just this way, you can warm up by the fire before heading back."

When she still didn't answer, Cullen looked to see her staring at him. Shock left her expression wide open and a myriad of emotions flashed across her face in quick succession.

Her fingers were still on cool on his lips, but suddenly the night was much warmer as his own words rang in his ears.

_A fool in love_ …

"I…"

"Do...do you have any tea, perhaps?" she asked with a shy smile.

He couldn't breathe, let alone speak. Cullen finally managed to nod.

"I think a cup would be lovely, if it isn't too much trouble."

The former Templar felt full to bursting, and offered his arm to escort Saris to his quarters.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **AN:** See! Saris is not a total bitch...she just has strong feelings when it comes to Warden business (and a certain former templar).  
>  Reviews give me strength!

**Author's Note:**

>  **AN:** My very first DA character was a F!Mage so my history with Cullen is longer than some, but I'm really glad that others can now see why I was so crazy for him!


End file.
